Deathly
by Rei Kinneas
Summary: A rather dark first season fic: One act of kindness could be deathly
1. Default Chapter

Deathly  
  
By Rei Kinneas  
  
Rated R  
  
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Toei Animation, and countless others. The point is, it's not mine, and probably never will be, no matter how much I wish for it.  
  
'Deathly' was written and performed by Aimee Mann. I thank her for inspiring me.  
  
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Usagi opened her eyes to the gray pre-dawn light filtering through her window. She stared at her ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. She remembered a time when she had been able to sleep for long hours on end, sometimes even into the early afternoon, and her sleep would be filled with pleasant dreams of light-hearted things.  
  
Those nights (and days) seemed like a different world now.  
  
She sat up a bit, careful not to disturb Luna. Luna would probably drop dead from shock if she saw Usagi up this early, and even though she had a tendency to nag, Usagi still loved her and didn't want her to die. Besides, if Luna didn't die, there would be questions of 'why' and 'how', and those were questions that Usagi was unwilling to answer.  
  
The light in her window was slowly fading from gray to pale orange. The clock on her bedside table informed her that she still had an hour and a half before she had to pretend to be asleep while her alarm went off. She sighed and carefully swung her legs onto the floor. She couldn't do it this morning. Just for once she wanted to dispense with the silly charade of the past two months. She would think of some excuse for Luna by the time she got home in the afternoon, but for now, the walls, real and invisible, around her were stifling. She needed to get out. She dressed quietly in her winter uniform. They were still allowed to wear their summer uniforms, but she chose not to. Well, it -was- getting chillier outside.  
  
She left a note for her mother - she'd have to make an excuse for her too - and walked out of the door. She didn't have a destination in mind, but she had two hours before she had to be at school. Usagi wandered.  
  
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Mamoru sat on his balcony, shirtless and drinking a cup of black coffee, watching the sun rise. It wasn't easy to watch a sunrise between the high rises of the Azabu district, but somehow he managed. Mamoru did this every morning. He watched the familiar people go by on the streets below him. There was the man with the dog, and the woman jogger, and the old lady with the orthopedic shoes. He saw the same people every morning. Not many people awoke this early in Tokyo.  
  
When he first saw the blonde Odangos below him, he thought, absurdly That style is becoming popular because of Sailor Moon. It wasn't until he looked closer that he realized it wasn't just any blonde with Odangos. It was his Odango Atama. That was really the absurd thing. For one thing, the odangos weren't bouncing. Neither were they drooping. They just were. The idea was so foreign to Mamoru that he almost dismissed her as a random blonde who just happened to be wearing her hair in Odangos again. Right, he thought. Just a random girl with blonde odangos in a Juuban Junior High uniform. Not likely, pal. But the person below him was so . neutral, so emotionless. He had never seen Usagi without an emotion; she was always full of emotions.  
  
And the odangos always bounced or drooped . it was unnatural that they didn't.  
  
Furthermore, what was Usagi doing in Azabu at this time of the morning? He knew for a fact that she never got up on time, he overheard as much at the Crown. Not to mention, he usually ran into her in the morning while she was sprinting to school, screeching, "I'm so laaate!" for the whole world to hear.  
  
These questions plagued him. And before he knew it he was grabbing a shirt and running out of his apartment, determined not to lose her.  
  
He followed her as she snaked her way through Azabu, never increasing her pace from a steady walk, and never slowing down. She didn't trip over things, she didn't run into poles.  
  
Mamoru was beginning to experience a kind of vertigo as she wandered back towards Juuban. It wasn't exactly that he was so mean spirited that he thought Usagi would never overcome her clumsiness, and it certainly wasn't that he didn't want her to overcome it. But he had seen her just the day before acting like she always did, odangos alternately bouncing and drooping, tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, and wailing on the slightest provocation. A change this drastic couldn't happen overnight.  
  
And it was drastic. He realized with sudden insight that the girl before him was just a shell. She was going through the motions of life, and not even doing that well. It was almost as if she wasn't really there at all.  
  
He didn't know Usagi at all. He wondered suddenly, if anyone did.  
  
He watched from a distance as she approached the gates of Juuban Junior High fifteen minutes before the bell rang. What was he doing? Following her? Whatever was wrong with her was her own business. If there was anything wrong with her to begin with. Do you really believe that? And what did it matter if he did or didn't? They weren't even friends.  
  
He looked at his watch and cursed. Now he was going to be late for school. He took one more look at the gates of the school before running home. But Usagi had disappeared.  
  
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Usagi didn't pay attention in class. She pretended to be daydreaming, but really couldn't drum up the energy to do so. She would have paid attention, but what was the point? She might not even be in class tomorrow. She might be in the hospital, she might be in the Dark Kingdom, hell she might even be dead. When one looked at it that way, what real importance did Algebra have?  
  
But by the same token, what was the point of daydreaming? Her daydreams had even less chance of coming true than other peoples'. She used to daydream about Motoki or Tuxedo Kamen. But like nights full of sleep, those were long gone and hardly remembered.  
  
Usagi ran her fingers over her sleeve and traced the ridges on the inside of her forearm. There was going to be a time when Tuxedo Kamen couldn't make it in time. It wouldn't be his fault. Usagi knew her luck would have to run out sometime. And there was a part of her that longed for the day when it did.  
  
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Despite his admonissions to himself earlier, Mamoru was thinking of Usagi as he walked to the Crown. He was later than he usually was because he had had detention for being late. He knew Usagi hadn't been late so she probably hadn't had detention. He wouldn't run into her outside the Crown, but he knew he would probably see her inside. Would she be like she normally was? Or would she be like the person he saw this morning? Obsess much? a voice in his mind sneered at him. He wasn't obsessing . he was just curious.  
  
But to his surprise, he saw Usagi walking into the Crown just as he crossed the street. She hadn't been there earlier than he after all.  
  
Her odangos had bounced.  
  
See? What you saw this morning was a fluke. It happens to everybody. Odango will be back to normal today and tomorrow and the day after. She will fail her next test and hit you in the head with it. This is the real world. Everything is normal.  
  
But had the bouncing been half hearted? Or even worse, just a charade? Were they really bouncing, or just counterfeit bouncing? Voices sneered at him in his head, but Mamoru had to find out.  
  
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To Usagi's dismay, her friends had already ordered her a large sundae, and it was sitting on the table, not touched and only slightly melted. She had to eat it. Her stomach heaved at the thought, and she choked back a gag. But she had to eat it.  
  
  
  
She put on a bright smile and walked to the table.  
  
"Hi-i minna-chan!" she sang and plopped down in front of the sundae. "Is this for me? It is? Good, because I am so hungry, detention really works up an appetite! I need ice cream!" She babbled on about nothing, not even paying attention to what she said. The important thing was that her friends think everything was as it always was. Wincing inside, she brought a spoon full of ice cream to her mouth and swallowed. Then another, and another. She ate quickly so it would be over with soon. Besides, the old Usagi had always eaten quickly.  
  
As soon as she had swallowed the mouthful she dropped the spoon in the bowl and stood up.  
  
"Just need to take a trip to the ladies room! I'll be right back." She had to stop herself from running to the bathroom. She walked, keeping her gag reflex in check. On her way to the bathroom she passed the counter and heard a voice say,  
  
"Eat enough to feed a small country Odango?" She wasn't going to deal with that today. She turned to look at him, but the expression on his face wasn't his usual one at all. Before she could begin to decipher it, her stomach gave another lurch and she just turned and walked quickly to the bathroom.  
  
As soon as she locked the door, she threw herself to her knees in front of the toilet and vomited up the entire sundae. She vomited until there was nothing left in her stomach, and then sat there and dry heaved. Finally she sat back against the cool tile wall and breathed heavily. A fine sheen of sweat had covered her face but she didn't bother to wipe in off. She was so hot! She turned her overheated fact to the tiles to try and cool it off.  
  
She carefully rolled up her sleeves.  
  
Eyes closed, not even bothering to look, she carefully traced each parallel cut on her left forearm.  
  
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Mamoru sat at the counter shaking. He wasn't shaking much, not so it was noticeable to the other patrons of the Crown, but he could tell. He felt like that whole world was in discord suddenly. The vertigo returned and he gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white. He never again wanted to repeat the experience he had just gone through.  
  
He had insulted Odango, just as always. He hadn't exactly meant it, but he had a deep longing for normalcy. She had turned to him, and he had been expecting an insult back, or for her to stick out her tongue, but .  
  
It had been her eyes. It was the first time he had noticed how blue they were. And they were dead. They weren't sparkling, they weren't filled with tears, they didn't shout despair, they were just dead.  
  
It was the most frightening thing Mamoru had ever seen.  
  
If he had been able to see her face this morning, would her eyes have been like that? Seeing, but not really seeing. Dead. He thought it was probably so.  
  
Usagi was supposed to be, well, not even a person but a force. She was supposed to be a force of cheerfulness that was unstoppable. Mamoru was just coming to realize that he had counted on that. It had been a pillar of his existence when the rest was unstable. Annoying as she was, she had been constant.  
  
Nothing was normal anymore.  
  
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Usagi was woken from a light and fitful sleep by the beeping of her communicator. The calls seemed to come in the middle of the night more than any other time. The Dark Kingdom, like most monsters, found the night preferable to the day. Usagi actually didn't mind. She was a creature of the night. She preferred moonlight to any other light.  
  
She scrunched her eyes together to talk to Sailor Jupiter.  
  
"The Juuban subway station," she was saying.  
  
"Okay, I guess," Usagi whined. "I don't see why these stupid youma always have to attack when I'm in the middle of a good dream!"  
  
"Come on Usagi! We've got to hurry up!" Luna said waspishly.  
  
"I'm coming. Moon Prism Power, Make up!" The rush of power Usagi got when transforming was both exhilarating and terrifying. She could feel all the power she had. She didn't trust herself with it. She could barely manage every day life.  
  
She jumped out of her window, onto a tree branch, and from there it was the rooftop highway to the subway station. The stairway was dark, but briefly lit up by attacks from the nearby battle. When Sailor Moon reached the scene she found all the senshi breathing heavily, but no youma.  
  
"Where's the youma?" she asked.  
  
"Dust," Sailor Jupiter said. Sailor Moon expected Sailor Mars to comment on her lateness, but she just looked around, a troubled look on her face.  
  
"It was too easy," Sailor Mercury whispered. "Way too easy. There has to be something more." Sailor Moon felt a wind stirring her skirt and jumped out of the way just in time to miss being impaled by a huge crystal.  
  
"Zoicite!" Sailor Venus hissed.  
  
"Hello Sailor Senshi, nice seeing you again. Did you miss me?" Zoicite laughed. The Sailor Senshi were not amused.  
  
"We're going to kill you," Sailor Mars promised.  
  
"What you're going to go is give me your nizuishou. And then you're going to stand here quietly and let me take you hostage so that Tuxedo Kamen will give me his nizuishou."  
  
"If you think we're going to do that, you're stupider than we thought," Sailor Jupiter bit out.  
  
"Oh that's too bad, I guess we'll just have to do it the hard way." This time Sailor Moon had no time to get out of the way before two hulking youma grabbed her arms. She shrieked in surprise before a huge smelly hand clamped itself over her mouth. The senshi readied their attacks, but couldn't let them fly with out hurting Sailor Moon.  
  
Zoicite floated lazily to Sailor Moon. A sharpened crystal appeared in his hand and he held it to her throat.  
  
"Now give me all the nizuishou or she dies."  
  
Sailor Moon closed her eyes. It would be so easy. She could already feel blood trickling down her throat and soaking into her uniform. The crystal was very sharp. All she had to do was lean forward and it would all be over. Seconds seemed like years as she agonized over her choice. Darkness and peace called her.  
  
But no. If she died Zoicite would be sure to get all the nizuishou and eventually the ginzuishou. The Dark Kingdom would win. She couldn't allow that to happen.  
  
Just as she made her decision the crystal pressed harder into her throat.  
  
"Now!" Zoicite growled.  
  
"Unhand her!" Sailor Moon's eyes flew open and saw immediately the imposing form of Tuxedo Kamen.  
  
"Give me your nizuishou and I will." Sailor Moon saw the struggle in Tuxedo Kamen's face. He was actually considering giving them up to save her! He stepped forward.  
  
It came down to this. If she died, Tuxedo Kamen wouldn't give up his nizuishou, but the Dark Kingdom would win eventually. If she let him give them over, the Dark Kingdom would win anyway.  
  
She would have to save herself.  
  
She hesitated.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen took another step forward.  
  
Sailor Moon took a deep breath and then screamed with all her might.  
  
As had happened once before, her barrettes amplified her screams. The senshi and Tuxedo Kamen covered their ears. The youma holding her began screaming and finally released her. The crystal at her throat shattered.  
  
As soon as she was free from both the youma and the crystal the moon wand was in her hand. She spun around to the still recovering Zoicite and forced the wand to his throat.  
  
"Moon Healing Escalation!"  
  
The resulting force blew Zoicite's head off.  
  
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Mamoru waited. Any moment now his Odango would be coming. He hadn't seen her from his balcony this morning, and so he assumed she was back to her regular schedule of getting to school late.  
  
If she is, then nothing is wrong, so why are you standing here waiting for her?  
  
Because maybe something was wrong. Because dead eyes like those didn't just appear and then disappear in one day. Because there had to be a reason they were dead. Because there had to be a reason she had come out of the bathroom sweating and shaking yesterday. Nobody else had noticed, but Mamoru had.  
  
Finally he saw the crowd ahead of him parting and he could hear the shouts of the sprinting blonde who was so continually late. Right before she reached him, he stepped into her path.  
  
He grabbed her shoulders before she could fall to the pavement. She looked up apologizing, but stopped when she saw who it was.  
  
He studied her face. It was haggard. She had always been pale, but this was an unhealthy pale. There were bags under her eyes, had she slept at all last night? Her eyes held some anger in them, but it was halfhearted. He could see the deadness underneath.  
  
  
  
"Gomen ne, Usagi-chan," he said softly. He stepped out of her way. Her eyes were truly confused when she turned to look at him. "You look tired Usagi-chan. I hope you can get some rest today." He turned to jog on his way. Behind him, he heard Usagi start running again.  
  
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No don't pick on me  
  
When one act of kindness could be.  
  
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Usagi walked slowly to the Crown that afternoon. She had spent most of the day in the nurse's office. She had come to school trembling and Ami and Makoto, who assumed if was because of the battle last night, had sent her there straight away. She hadn't disabused them of that notion. Of course the battle was still a harrowing experience, and when she closed her eyes, she could still see Zoicite's head removed from his body .  
  
But that wasn't the reason she had come to school trembling. She was used to hiding the effects of battle. It had been her encounter with Mamoru that morning that caused her strange behavior. But she couldn't tell them that. Hey guys, don't worry, I'm having a nervous breakdown because some guy I usually fight with was nice to me this morning, now ain't that strange?  
  
So she went to the nurse. She had even managed to doze for a while. Luna had understood when Usagi hadn't wanted to sleep after the battle. Luna was very worried about her, but she was also fiercely proud. Usagi supposed she should be proud of herself too. She had saved herself and the nizuishou. She had taken care of Zoicite single handedly. An image of Zoicite's headless body right before it disintegrated flashed through her mind and she shivered.  
  
When she reached the Crown she sat at the counter and ordered a soda. None of the girls were here today, and for that she was grateful. She sipped her soda slowly, letting her mind stay blank. It was better that way.  
  
"You should be at home resting Usagi-chan," a soft voice said in her right ear. She whipped her head around to see Mamoru sitting next to her.  
  
"I - I don't want to go home," she stammered out. She had begun trembling again.  
  
"Why not?" Mamoru asked. She should snap at him, tell him it was none of his business; it's what the old Usagi would do. But she couldn't. And this wasn't the old Mamoru. She shrugged.  
  
"I just don't want to," she said lamely.  
  
"That's a good answer," he said. He leaned back against the counter. "How was school?"  
  
"I didn't fail any tests if that's what you're asking," she said with a little of the old Usagi spark back.  
  
"I wasn't asking anything of the sort," Mamoru said seriously.  
  
"Oh." Usagi turned in her stool to face the doors. After a long pause she said, "It was okay, I suppose. I spent most of it in the nurse's office."  
  
"Did you sleep?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"Good."  
  
There was another long pause. Usagi sipped her soda unenthusiastically and sneaked a glance at Mamoru. Why was he acting like this? It was . disconcerting. She thought that nothing would have changed Mamoru. Mamoru-baka. What had happened? The world had finally completed its turn upside down. Mamoru being nice to her. Well why not? It was fitting.  
  
Usagi resisted the urge to flinch when his hand closed gently over her left arm. The cuts there were still new and tender.  
  
"If you don't want to go home, will you sleep somewhere else?" he asked her gently. Usagi looked at him unblinking for a few seconds.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"My apartment." Usagi looked at him for a few more seconds.  
  
"Okay."  
  
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Mamoru had set her up on the couch with a blanket and some pillows. Now he was in the kitchen making hot cocoa. Hopefully that would help her sleep. He suppressed a shiver. Being that close to her, it was impossible to ignore that something was wrong. The deadness always lurked in her eyes, her shoulders slumped, if only slightly. She was a shell. Not truly living, but not truly dead.  
  
His hands shook when he picked up her cup, and he forced them to be steady.  
  
"Here you go, Usagi-chan," he said, walking back into the living room. She accepted the cup with her own shaking hands she couldn't hide.  
  
"Thank you . Mamoru-san." A chill ran up his spine; he relished the sound of his name on her lips. He sat on the floor by the couch and clasped his hands loosely around his knees. For a few minutes he simply watched her while she sipped her drink.  
  
"Why are you acting like this?" she asked him suddenly.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Mamoru considered the question.  
  
"I never meant to call you Odango Atama," he admitted. "It just popped out. I guess this just popped out too." Usagi nodded her head.  
  
"I'm glad it did," she said softly. Another chill traveled the length of Mamoru's spine.  
  
"Me too," he said. She looked at him, and Mamoru was caught in and by her gaze. She is so beautiful. The realization was painful. It nearly knocked the wind out of him and left an acute ache in his chest. On impulse he grabbed her hand. The skin was so smooth, her hand so small.  
  
"I want you to get some rest," he said vehemently.  
  
"I'm not very sleepy," she said. She didn't look away, and she didn't take her hand back.  
  
"You look exhausted," he stated.  
  
"But I'm not sleepy," she maintained, and she gave him a little smile. Mamoru's throat closed up. Even just the smallest curve of her lips increased her beauty a thousand fold. She was so beautiful he wanted to die, and yet only now felt as though he had truly lived because he had realized it. I love her. The pain in his chest expanded to include his arms and fingers. They tingled with his new awareness, because he suddenly could not keep any emotion out.  
  
Usagi stood and he stood with her. He could not let go of her hand, because if he did, the world would lose all its new colors, and this lightness he felt would disappear, and his own weight would be so heavy he wouldn't be able to bring himself to fight gravity to move.  
  
"You really should -" he began hoarsely.  
  
"I'm glad you invited me here Mamoru." His hand tightened reflexively around hers as his whole body trembled with reactions to her words. Such simple words, but spoken so softly and beautifully; his chest ached with love for her.  
  
"Usagi," he whispered, almost unable to get the word out through his tight throat. She turned her face up to his and Mamoru couldn't stand it anymore. He pressed his own lips gently to hers.  
  
I am dead. he thought. Surely he had died. He was now in heaven, nirvana, and Brahman. His ill-lived life did not deserve this paradise. Her lips were so soft, and they tasted of chocolate and cherry soda, and something undefinable that was headier than a gallon of sake.  
  
She responded to his kiss, opening her mouth slightly and grasping his neck with her hands. Mamoru never wanted this to end. Slowly he brushed her shoulders with the slightest touch, then her neck, and then his hands were on her beautiful face.  
  
There were tears streaming down her cheeks. He broke away in surprise and Usagi stumbled backwards.  
  
"What-" he asked.  
  
"We should never see each other again!" Usagi said with a sob.  
  
"Why- Usagi-" Usagi grabbed his hands.  
  
"This was the most perfect and beautiful moment of my entire life," she said, more tears slipping out of her eyes. "But if we see each other again, it will be ruined!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Mamoru asked frantically, trying to pull her closer.  
  
"It can never be this like this again!" Usagi cried, resisting his pull. "I want to always remember this moment as it was: beautiful. I don't ever want to have to remember that I tarnished the memory later by ruining what we had!"  
  
"Usagi, I don't understand!" Mamoru's chest was growing heavier as his voice grew more desperate.  
  
"You can't understand! I can't get involved Mamoru! I have duties and responsibilities, and even if I didn't, I still wouldn't deserve you!"  
  
"That's not true!"  
  
"Yes, it is," Usagi said firmly. Her voice dropped so low Mamoru could barely hear it. "I have . I have other problems." She looked up into his eyes once again. "So let's always remember that when we were together, for however brief a time, what we had was amazing." She wrenched her hands out of his grasp and ran towards the door sobbing. She was out of the apartment before Mamoru had time to move a muscle.  
  
"Usagi wait," he said to the empty air. "I love you." Mamoru's legs began to shake, until they couldn't hold him anymore. He fell in a dead faint to his apartment floor.  
  
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Now that I've met you  
  
Would you object to  
  
Never seeing each other again  
  
Cause I can't afford to  
  
Climb aboard you  
  
No one's got that much ego to spend  
  
So don't work your stuff  
  
Because I've got troubles enough  
  
No don't pick on me  
  
When one act of kindness could be  
  
Deathly  
  
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	2. Part Two final

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Rei settled herself in front of the sacred fire and breathed deeply. The room was stifling hot, but she didn't notice, already deep in a trance. Her hands moved seemingly of their own volition into the sacred signs that called the spirits of the fire.  
  
"Great spirits of the sacred fire, show me who the great danger to the senshi is now!" Immediately she was drawn into a vision. Even in her trance she was surprised; it almost never happened that quickly.  
  
In her vision she floated along a shady suburban street. This looks familiar somehow... She stopped in front of a normal two story house.  
  
That's Usagi's house! Her view focused on a single window, and then she was moving inside. It was Usagi's room. Pictures and manga were scattered everywhere, and there was Luna, napping on the unmade bed. But where was Usagi?  
  
Rei moved past Usagi's room and into the hall. The door that Rei knew led to the bathroom was closed. But that was no deterrent for Rei. Usagi was sitting on the edge of the tub. What is she doing... She moved closer. There was a flash of - what was that?  
  
Usagi's face was streaked with tears, and her shoulder shook. Before Rei could even wonder what was wrong, she saw that flash again. Though Rei was not connected to her body she had the feeling of her gorge rising.  
  
Usagi was holding a knife.  
  
Rei watched in horror as Usagi brought the knife to the inside of her left forearm. Again and again Usagi cut her arm.  
  
Rei looked closer and truly thought that her body back at the shrine would throw up. Usagi's whole arm was a mess of cuts, scabs, and scars. Rei felt a cry rise in her throat and she ripped herself out of her trance. She stumbled to her room and threw on some street clothes. Sobbing and holding her hand against her mouth, Rei ran out of the shrine and into the night.  
  
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Usagi tied the last of her bandages and tugged the sleeve of her sweater down. She splashed some cold water on her face and checked her appearance. Her breathing was normal again.  
  
It was amazing how cutting calmed her.  
  
It hadn't completely done its charm tonight, but at least she was able to act calm.  
  
It was impossible to forget Mamoru. Was it only three days ago that they had been fighting? She walked into her room and picked up a manga for Luna's sake. Mamoru, Mamoru ... Mamo-chan. She smiled both in happiness and sadness at the thought. She would never get to call him that out loud, but it couldn't hurt to call him that in her own mind.  
  
For the first time in months she began to daydream. If she wasn't Sailor Moon... She shook her head. But she was. Tonight could even be the night it would be all over. Zoicite was dead, but that only meant that they would have to face someone more powerful next time. She had to protect the nizuishou. She had to find the princess. Mamoru would be a distraction, and he would make it harder to die for her duty when the time came.  
  
Eventually she would die. It would be easier for Mamoru is they weren't . involved. It would be easier for her too.  
  
She turned a page of the manga, not really reading it. Behind her, the door to her room opened. She sighed. Shingo knew she didn't want to be disturbed. She turned around to yell at him to get out and froze.  
  
It wasn't Shingo.  
  
Rei stood in her doorway, eyes red, hair disheveled, tears stains on her face.  
  
She knew. Somehow she knew. Usagi backed up, trying to put as much distance as she could between them in a last ditch effort to save herself. But Rei wouldn't allow that to happen.  
  
"Luna, could you please give Usagi and me a moment?"  
  
"Rei, what is going on?" Luna demanded.  
  
"Just give us a moment please," Rei repeated. Glancing at Usagi, then Rei, Luna walked warily out of the room. Rei shut the door behind her. Usagi flattened herself against the wall.  
  
"Roll up the sleeve of your sweater," Rei said, walking across the room. Usagi felt panic descending upon her. She pushed up the sleeve of the sweater on her right arm. "The other one," Rei said. "You know I mean the other one!" Usagi shook her head. She could make one last effort, maybe Rei didn't know for sure.  
  
"Usagi, do it, or god as my witness I will burn it off." Usagi closed her eyes in defeat. Her secret was out now.  
  
Keeping her eyes closed, she pushed up the left sleeve of her sweater. Rei was less than a foot away from her now. They both looked at the bandages that covered Usagi's forearm.  
  
"Take them off," Rei said hoarsely.  
  
"I - I can't!" Usagi said, choking back tears. Rei opened her mouth to protest but Usagi cut her off. "It will start bleeding again," she said softly, hanging her head. She suddenly felt Rei's arms around her; Usagi never thought she'd see the day when Rei would hug her.  
  
"Oh god Usagi!" Rei sobbed. "Why are you doing this? What's happening?" Usagi awkwardly patted her back until her own tears started again and they cried in each other's arms until they had no tears left.  
  
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They opened the large bay window and sat dangling their legs in the cool autumn air. Sometimes a breeze would stir their hair slightly. Finally Usagi spoke.  
  
"I can't really explain it to you," she said softly. "I want to, and I'm going to try my hardest, but I don't know if I have the words." She took a deep breath.  
  
"This is going to be impossible to understand if you don't feel it too, but just trust me when I say it's what I'm feeling. I cut because . well, I cut for three reasons. One is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain." Rei cautiously nodded her head. "And I cut to feel," Usagi continued.  
  
"What do you mean?" Rei interrupted. Usagi turned and Rei shivered at the deadness she saw in her eyes.  
  
"What's worse?" she asked. "Cutting? Or not caring enough to cut?" There was silence for a few seconds. "It's the apathy that's the problem," Usagi stated. "Cutting is the solution."  
  
"But why the apathy, Usagi?" Rei asked desperately.  
  
"It's hard to care when you don't believe you'll live to see your sixteenth birthday."  
  
"What do you."  
  
"Any day a rampaging youma could be the end of me. I don't want to die Rei-chan, but I'm being realistic. I'm not a good fighter, and the youma get stronger all the time."  
  
"We would never let you die Usagi-chan, and neither would Tuxedo Kamen," Rei insisted.  
  
"It's not your job to protect me! We have to protect the princess when we find her. I will gladly die to do that. I will gladly die to find her, and I will willingly give my life to protect the ginzuishou, but it all amounts to the same thing: I'll be dead. What's the point of school work, when I won't get to use it? What's the point of reading manga, when I won't even be able to read the end? What's the point of daydreaming when they'll never even have time to come true?"  
  
"Why tonight?" Rei whispered. "Why did you cut tonight?"  
  
"What's the point of falling in love if you'll never be able to enjoy it?" Rei's eyes widened.  
  
"Wh-" But she was interrupted by the beeping of two communicators. Usagi swung her legs back into the room and pulled off her brooch.  
  
"Let's go," she sighed.  
  
"Wait, Usagi," Rei said, coming back into the room. "What's the third reason you cut?" Usagi paused and looked Rei in the eye.  
  
"The third reason I cut is that I like it."  
  
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Mamoru was awakened by a pain in his chest. "Sailor Moon." he groaned before he even opened his eyes. He immediately realized that he wasn't in his bed . he was asleep on something hard and scratchy. "Usagi," he said, remembering suddenly. He got up from where he had fallen when he fainted. The pain in his chest was acute now, he didn't have time to think of Usagi, when there was evil to fight and Sailor Moon needed him.  
  
His transformation steadied him and soon he was flying over the Tokyo rooftops. Whatever linked him to Sailor Moon pulled him to a random street in Juuban. From a block away he could hear the screams of the youma.  
  
"Vengence for Zoicite!" Uh-oh, Tuxedo Kamen thought. A monster with a grudge. This can't be good. As soon as he saw the battle he swept down to whisk Sailor Moon out of the way path of a particularly nasty blast of dark energy. She was out of breath from the aparently strenuous battle she had been engaging in before he got there.  
  
"Thanks Tuxedo Kamen-sama," she said.  
  
"Go get him," he said, refraining from his customary corny speech. He didn't think she needed it after the display of her strength in the last battle. She ran back to the battle, and within a few minutes the youma was a pile of dust already being scattered by the wind.  
  
The senshi stood silently for a few moments, and Tuxedo Kamen watched them. Usually he fled as soon as the youma was taken care of, but tonight he found it easier to be in this form. He didn't think about Usagi as much.  
  
"Well let's go home and try to get some sleep," Sailor Moon said, finally. She backed away from the spot where the youma had disintegrated and then turned towards Tuxedo Kamen to go home. Behind her, the senshi were going their own separate ways, but Tuxedo Kamen could only focus on one thing:  
  
Sailor Moon's eyes. They were incredibly blue.  
  
And they were dead.  
  
Just like Usagi's.  
  
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Mamoru hurried to the arcade checking his watch. A physics project had kept him at school longer than he intended. Can't miss her, can't miss her, he chanted in his mind. He quickened his pace. You know they have a name for someone like you, another voice in his mind said acidly. Stalker.  
  
He rounded a corner and there she was! But she was leaving. Mamoru swore. Rei was with her, and as he got closer he could hear their conversation.  
  
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Rei asked.  
  
"You can't follow me all day Rei. I can't make any promises, but I will try," Usagi answered.  
  
"I'm just worried about you Odango."  
  
"I know you are. Thank you for your concern, but this is something I have to deal with myself." Usagi walked away neutrally. Her odangos didn't bounce, neither did they droop . Mamoru shook his head and hurried to catch Rei before she could get too far.  
  
"Rei! Wait a second!" Rei turned around and seemed very surprised to see him running towards her.  
  
"What is it Mamoru-san?" she asked.  
  
"I need to talk to you about Usagi." Rei nodded, but her eyes were fully of despair. Mamoru was convinced that she was the one he need to talk to. He led her to a bench on the side of the road.  
  
"Did she tell you about what happened . between us?" Mamoru asked, his throat tight. It was still nearly impossible to think about that. Rei nodded. "I know something's wrong with her Rei, and I need to know what. It's her eyes," he said softly. "You can tell something's wrong because of her eyes."  
  
"I want to tell you what's wrong with her Mamoru-san. But I can't." Mamoru stiffented. "I made a promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone, and it's a promise I can't break. It's her secret to tell."  
  
"Please Rei," Mamoru begged. Rei shook her head and stood up.  
  
"Please don't tempt me to go back on my word Mamoru." She began to walk away.  
  
"Rei!" Mamoru stopped her with his voice. She turned around. "I love her."  
  
"I know you do Mamoru-san," Rei said softly, looking at the ground. She met his gaze. "Usagi wears long sleeves, even though we can still wear our summer uniforms. In fact, you might want to think, Mamoru-san, about the last time you saw her wear short sleeves." She ran down the street and soon was out of Mamoru's sight.  
  
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Usagi sat at her desk and doodled halfheartedly. Damn her for trying to make Rei happy. She was torturing herself. She tried to keep her mind on the lines in front of her, but it kept drifting to the bathroom where, buried beneath masses of scruchies and hair pins was her knife. She had finally decided to forget doodling and forget Rei too, when she heard her window open behind her. Slowly she turned around.  
  
"Mamo - I mean, Tuxedo Ka - no, Mamoru. Oh my god." The man who was now climbing through her window had Mamoru's face, but she would recognize that tuxedo and cape anywhere. The only things missing were the domino mask and top hat. The only things that hid Mamoru's face from her were gone. She nearly fell back into her chair.  
  
"I'm glad to see you recognize me, Sailor Odango," he said with a quirky grin.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Usagi asked, taking a few steps away from him. His face lost all trace of humor.  
  
"Lift up your sleeve Usagi-chan." Usagi shoved herself against the wall.  
  
"No! Not again," she groaned. "I won't! You already know what's there, if you're asking me. Yes! You're right! Happy?"  
  
"Of course not Odango Atama! How can I be happy when you're hurting yourself? I care about you! Why are you doing this?" He stalked towards her.  
  
"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Usagi screamed, tears streaking her face. "It's none of your business and it doesn't matter anyway!" He grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him.  
  
"How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters!" Usagi didn't answer him, only tried to pull her wrists from his grip. Suddenly Mamoru understood. How could he not, when he had felt the same thing so many times?  
  
"You're not going to die, Sailor Moon," he said fiercely. "I will never let that happen!" Usagi pulled her hands free.  
  
"There are more important things you have to do! There's the princess and the ginzuishou! They have to be protected!"  
  
"They mean nothing to me if you're dead Usagi-chan!"  
  
"But they mean something to me!" Usagi yelled. "My purpose is to protect them, and yes, to die for them if need be. But I at least want my death to mean something! What would I have died for if everything falls apart after I'm gone?"  
  
"Usagi," Mamoru said brokenly, dropping to his knees. "You are more important to me than any princess or any crystal. I would give them both up if it meant saving you." Usagi suddenly had an inkling of just how much that meant. She fell to knees in front of him.  
  
"You can't do that Mamoru!" she said, her eyes almost wild. "No matter what, you can't let the Dark Kingdom get the ginzuishou! That almost happened, with Zoicite. You were about to give up your nizuishou to save my life. You can't do that! I will kill myself before I let that happen!" Mamoru blanched, but Usagi didn't seem to notice. Seemingly from nowhere she pulled out a gleaming yellow crystal.  
  
"I want you to hold onto this." Mamoru held up his hand to protest, but Usagi talked right over him. "You're far more capable of keeping it safe than I am. But first I want you to swear. Swear on this nizuishou that you will protect it, even if the cost is my life. Swear that you will not give these up to save me. Swear that the Dark Kingdom won't win!" Mamoru begged her with his eyes, implored her not to make him do this. But Usagi would not relent.  
  
"I promise," he sobbed. Usagi sighed in relief and let her head fall onto his shoulder.  
  
"Thank you. Mamo-chan."  
  
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You're on your honor  
  
'Cause I'm a goner  
  
And you haven't even begun.  
  
So do me a favor  
  
If I should waver  
  
Be my savior  
  
And get out the gun  
  
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Mamoru opened his eyes to the deep black of midnight shading his apartment. He stared at his ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. It was times like this that he thought he might understand Usagi.  
  
A few minutes later his chest started tingling, and he thought it was just as well he wasn't going to go back to sleep tonight. Tuxedo Kamen's services were needed. He hauled himself out of his bed and transformed. There had been an increase in youma attacks lately. They didn't seem to want anything, just 'vengence for Zoicite.' He didn't give a shit about Zoicite, he was exhausted. Usagi was exhausted too. She almost never talked to him, but he could tell. He could tell by the way she walked, and the way her odangos were never straight, and they way she had stopped pretending around her friends.  
  
But despite his exhaustion he ran as fast as he could to the battle site. He would not let Sailor Moon be in one second of danger. He had promised to protect the nizuishou over her life, so he just had to make sure it never came to that. Great, he thought as he came upon the battle. The park. How original.  
  
He saw immediately that this wasn't just another battle. The senshi were burned, bloody and singed. Half of one of Sailor Moon's pigtails was gone, and Sailor Venus was limping because of a gash right across her knee.  
  
They weren't fighting just another youma. The man opposing them had long white hair, steel eyes, and was dressed in a gray uniform. A general. He watched Sailor Jupiter throw one of her attacks at him, but he sent it right back at her. She dodged, just barely. The general didn't have a scratch on him. Not even his hair was mussed.  
  
"I'll ask you one more time Sailor Moon, give me the nizuishou. It won't save your life, but maybe I'll make your death quick if you give it to me right now."  
  
"Never, Kunzite. I would rather die first!" Kunzite smiled.  
  
"Very well then." Faster than Tuxedo Kamen could have thought possilbe, he attacked with a ball of energy. Tuxedo Kamen was running to grab Sailor Moon out of the way, but it wasn't aimed at Sailor Moon. It hit the ground a few feet in front of her and was absorbed. There was a deep rumble and the earth shook beneath their feet. The section of ground beneath Sailor Moon jutted upwards and Sailor Moon flew off. Before Tuxedo Kamen could move to catch her Kunzite had teleported to her, and he now held her in his arms. Tuxedo Kamen swore silently.  
  
"Do you want to save her Cape Boy?" Kunzite called out. "Show yourself!" Tuxedo Kamen stepped out from the brush and looked Kunzite in the eye. "You know what I want. Give them to me and perhaps I'll give her back to you." Not bloody likely, he thought. But he had to save her. He now realized that he didn't care about any promises. He wouldn't give up the nizuishou, but he wouldn't let her die. He pulled out two of the crystals that were in his pocket.  
  
"Hand them over," Kunzite said, holding out one of his hands. Tuxedo Kamen looked at the crystals in his hand, then at Sailor Moon, then back at Kunzite.  
  
"No."  
  
"So be it!" Kunzite tossed Sailor Moon into the air. Tuxedo Kamen leaped, but before he could get halfway to her, a blast of darkness impacted her and propelled her backwards. She hit a tree and fell to the ground. She didn't move.  
  
"No!!" Tuxedo Kamen screamed. He ran to her, but an energy sheild around her stopped him. "Usagi-chan! No!" Inside the crackling shield, Usagi's chest didn't move. She wasn't breathing. He was vaguely aware of the senshi screaming behind him, and of Kunzite laughing, but his whole world had narrowed to one girl's limp and unbreathing body. He collapsed to his knees. "Oh god no. Usagi-chan." Unnoticed tears made their way down his cheeks. His whole body shook with his sobs.  
  
One small tear dripped off his chin and fell to the orange crystal he held in his hand. It began to glow.  
  
At first he didn't notice it, wrapped up as he was in his grief. But it soon became impossible to ignore. Eyes wide he let go of the nizuishou and stepped back. They floated in the air, and now the green one was beginning to glow.  
  
He felt a tug on his jacket, and the yellow nizuishou that Usagi had given him flew out of his pocket to join the other two. Kunzite gave a cry of indignation. The Dark Kingdom's four nizuishou were floating beside the senshi's three. All seven of them began to glow.  
  
The senshi, Tuxedo Kamen, and Kunzite looked on in awe. What was about to happen? The nizuishou's glows brightened until they were painful to look at. Then there was a flash of pure white light, and Tuxedo Kamen was blinded.  
  
When he finally blinked away all the dots in front of his eyes he saw it. The Ginzuishou, the silver crystal, was floating where the seven nizuishou had floated before.  
  
"It's mine!" Kunzite cried triumphantly. Tuxedo Kamen was to dazed to try to stop him. He didn't need to. Kunzite was thrown back before his hands got within a foot of the ginzuishou. Energy crackled around it and it began to glow.  
  
But that wasn't the only thing that was glowing.  
  
Usagi's body was glowing. Tuxedo Kamen gave an inarticulate cry. Her body began to float. Tuxedo Kamen wanted to throw up. Her back was broken and her whole body was in a strange angle. She floated slowly to the ginzuishou. Tuxedo Kamen watched, fascinated, as one of her hands began to move; she still wasn't breathing. Her left hand reached up and grabbed the ginzuishou.  
  
Silver light surrounded her and Tuxedo Kamen couldn't see through it. Something was happening in there, but he couldn't tell what. Some ways away Kunzite got shakily to his feet.  
  
Ever so slowly the light began to dissipate. But what it revealed what not the broken body of a Sailor Senshi. It was Usagi, and yet not Usagi. She floated a few inches about the ground, but in an upright position. Her pigtail had been restored and both of them moved around her in some invisible breeze. She wore a long flowing white dress embroidered in gold. In her outstretched hands floated the ginzuishou.  
  
"The Moon Princess," one of the senshi whispered behind him.  
  
They jumped at the explosion behind them. Kunzite stood, eyes wild, hands ready to attack. "Give me the ginzuishou now."  
  
The Moon Princess opened her eyes.  
  
"This ends now," she said in a voice both like and unlike the voice of Usagi. All at once everything seemed awash in a silver glow. Kunzite screamed and turned to dust within seconds. Tuxedo Kamen felt it tingling around him and saw the wounds of all the senshi healing.  
  
Finally the glow faded. The Moon Princess stepped onto the ground. She closed the ginzuishou in her hand and collapsed. Tuxedo Kamen was by her side in seconds. Usagi was Usagi again. The dress had disappeared and she wore her normal street clothes.  
  
She opened her eyes slowly as Tuxedo Kamen bent over her. He nearly recoiled. For some reason he had expected the deadness to be gone. She stood with a little help from him. She looked at the senshi running towards her and his hand, which still held hers.  
  
Then she ripped her hand away and ran off without a word.  
  
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'Cause I'm just a problem  
  
For you to solve and  
  
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm  
  
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Usagi slammed the door of the bathroom behind her and knelt on the cold tile floor, breathing hard.  
  
She was alive. She had been dead and now she was alive. It was still painful to be alive. Every breath, every heartbeat hurt, having been dead for however long she had been dead.  
  
She was the princess.  
  
"Oh god," she moaned. She would never find release now. Now her duty was to be protected and live, not die protecting. She sobbed, tears splashing to the floor. The day she had longed for, the day she would die doing protecting the ginzuishou would never come now. She had been robbed of her death.  
  
She stumbled to one of the counter drawers, still sobbing hopelessly. She rooted through hair notions and hand creams until she grasped it. She pulled out her knife out with a sob of triumph. She fell back to the floor.  
  
She slashed at her arm quickly, but the knife never reached her flesh. Someone had grabbed her wrist from behind her.  
  
"Usako," Mamoru whispered. She turned and buried her face in his chest, and he stroked her hair as she cried.  
  
Behind them, the knife clattered to the floor, forgotten.  
  
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When one act of kindness could be  
  
Deathly .  
  
Definitely.  
  
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"The ending doesn't always have to be happy, it just has to have hope." -Kayla Chavi, "An Angel from Hell"  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Wow. I can't believe that I finished this . in time! ::throws a party for herself:: What? Nobody else wants to join in?  
  
Okay, fine. But there are things I need to say, and you can choose to read them or ignore them at your leisure. First, giving credit where credit is due. The song snippets are from the song "Deathly" by Aimee Mann. It is a wonderful song, and I highly recommend listening to it. Though I am inspired by music, I've never particularly liked songfics, and here I am writing one. Oops. I'd also like to point out that though I named the fic after Deathly, I wouldn't have been able to write it without the entire Magnolia soundtrack, especially the songs "Wise Up" and "Save Me".  
  
Red Smith said, "Writing is easy. I just open a vein and bleed." It's when writing a story like this that I realize how true that is. The problem is, opening the vein can be hard, not to mention painful. And then there's the question of closing it again. In some ways this was a very easy story for me to write. And in other ways . it was very very hard. I can't tell you what to do if you have a friend who cuts, or if you cut yourself. There are high chances that even professional help will be of no help at all. All I can suggest is that you try to stay strong, and offer strength and a shoulder once in a while.  
  
Thanks to all those people or things that inadvertantly inspired me: Alfred Hitchcock's 'Vertigo', The Counting Crows, Aimee Mann and P.T. Anderson and others.  
  
Thanks to Ropa-chan, who read over the first part and gave me some very good advice. I hope you liked the way it turned out.  
  
Thanks to Patch and Lelu. I don't know if you'll like the story, but you gave me confidence to keep writing - whatever it is.  
  
Finally, this story is dedicated to all my friends who are, or at one time have been, Deathly: Chris, Kim, Autumn, Lisa, Steve, Russ, Greg, and especially Bob. 


End file.
